The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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