Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
She said her name was "party"
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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