I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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