Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
