My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
