i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
