Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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