We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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