I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
