The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
