I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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