why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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