I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
