I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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