So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
