Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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