If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
