Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
