you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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