I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize