dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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