Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
