I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
