that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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