I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
