Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize