No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'm bleeding and have questions
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
