I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
