just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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