I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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