My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
