You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
