Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
