how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize