thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Also, any YOLOwl-related sex photos will result in you winning ten orgasms, courtesy of myself, as well as sweets and bacon-based dinner. All entrants welcome
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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