I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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