Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
