I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
