i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
