that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
