How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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