I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
