Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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