Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
