party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
operation have a gay friend backfired
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize
