I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
