i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize