Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
