things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
