Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
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