rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
