I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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