Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
