I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
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